Computers are Like Men...

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.

1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

It all makes sense now...

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or femine. One puzzled student asked, 'What gender is computer'?' The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

Once upon a time, in an absolute monarchy not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an electrical engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster."

The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

An expert has released a proof-of-concept program to show how easy it would be for criminals to eavesdrop on the VoIP-based phone calls of any company using the technology.

Called SIPtap, the software is able to monitor multiple Voice-over-IP (VoIP) call streams, listening in and recording them for remote inspection as .wav files. All that the criminal would need would be to infect a single PC inside the network with a Trojan incorporating these functions, although the hack would work at ISP level as well.

It's hard to overstate how important the Nexus data-center switching platform, set to be unveiled Monday, is to Cisco Systems: for the dominant networking vendor's enterprise business, it's the biggest thing since the Catalyst 6000, which made its debut in 1999, according to the two key executives on the project.

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . . And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

Desperately seeking technical support!

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.

He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.

I used to know what XML is. With one hundred percent certainty I used to know that XML is a way of annotating text to make the structure of the text both open and explicit to machines. I have written a lot of stuff[1] about it over the years.

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE: